Ahh, expectations...

My mother tells me that I came home from my first day of Kindergarten devastated. I've been told that I cried and cried because I did not learn to read the first day. I ask myself this question when I think about that story:  who set me up for thinking that I'd learn to read? Maybe I took something my mom said out of context and imagined that I'd be reading chapter books by week one of Kindergarten? 

I wasn't prepared for what Grady said to me on Sunday afternoon. I noticed that he was acting mellow and I was afraid to ask why. After watching a movie, he told me that his stomach has been bothering him. I gasped and then turned my head. I did not want him to see the tears streaming from my eyes. I felt devastated by the words that came from his mouth. I try to balance myself between trusting the Lord to heal Grady and the reality that this world sucks and is a hot mess. I read over 1 Corinthians 12 a lot where Paul asked God to take the "thorn" from him. God told him that "his grace was sufficient for him" and "his power is made perfect in weakness". I find comfort in that. But I also hurt deeply for Grady knowing the agony he experiences with his stomach aches.

2011 was not suppose to feel like this. I had shelved last years' trials and had expected ease and a healed tummy for Grady. Now, on January 4th, he sits in his GI's office to hear what we do next. I have wanted to cry and cry like I did the first day I came home from Kindergarten. I expected that God had used the surgery to heal Grady. I'm not naive to think the surgery was it and that he wouldn't have other issues. But I wanted to believe that the surgery was God's way to end this awful disease. I know my faith is deeper than this and the Lord is doing things "behind the curtain" that we cannot see. I just don't want Grady to have to hurt, for me to watch him hurt, and for our girls to miss out on a "healthy" daddy.

Finding peace in His presence is the only thing I can do right now. Taking God at his Word, looking at what He has done through the difficulties we have battle this past year is what I'm holding onto. I keep hearing Him say to me, "let me set your expectations for Grady's health and just rest in My presence." This is where I find myself at the beginning of 2011.